I've been thinking about a lot lately, though not much about my classes which may come back to bite me in the butt, anyways I feel the need to write, so I thought of my all too often neglected xanga.

What have I been thinking about? Thanks for asking....

My future everything. I got advised for my LAST fall semester at Lamar the other day, very exciting! However, I kinda freaked out a bit. I just realized I'm a Sr. in college, and when I look at myself, I still see the same person I have seen my entire life. I feel like I've grown in a lot of ways, but I don't know that its evident in the way I live. I know some areas it shows a great deal, but the ones that matter the most, I'm not so sure. I can't believe in just over a year from now, God willing, I'll walk accross a stage and be a 'real' adult. A college graduate. This scares me a bit. Not the academic part, I feel prepared for that, but I'll be an adult. A real one. Not just an over the age of 18, but an ADULT. Strange. Though I know my freedom from school will be short lived, I'll be intering seminary 3 months later, but the thought still freaks me out a bit. I don't feel any more like a grown up than I ever have. When I look around at my friends, I can 'see' their age, the way they have physically changed and transformed into more "adult-ish" people, but when I look at me I still look the same as I did 10 years ago. No lie, minus the plucking of my eyebrows.

Then I think about all of my friends who have gotten or will be getting married soon, and it just feels like a sharp jab in the gut. I am happy for them, I really am, I just feel like I am SO FAR from that point in life, but it is so badly where I want to be. I'm an independent woman, who is perfectly able so support myself and emotionally secure, but I am at the point where I want to choose to be dependant with the man that God has for me. I am sick and tired of being asked if there is anyone "special" in my life, and having to give the same answer of "nope still single as ever" through a grin on my face to hide the pain that I feel when asked about it. Its not like I'm choosing to be single. I have a heart that can only like one person at a time, I don't know how to explain it any different than that. And I'm not able to 'date' just to do it. I think that is cruel. I'm not looking for someone who is perfect, I know that person doesn't exisit, and I'll admit, I'm picky, but a very good friend once told me that one can never be too picky about the person you choose to spend your life with. I agree with that. Call me old fashioned, or a prune, I'm used to it, but its jus the way I am. I have to know a person as a friend before I trust a person, and I have to trust a guy before I'm willing to put my emotions into a relationship, and once my emotions are involved, well lets just say they are there until God himself does a work and removes them, litterally. I know that I'm young, and yada yada yada....(fill in all the lovely things that well intended older/or married women have said), but my age doesn't make the desire lessen.

My thoughts then move around to my career. I know that I'm going to be working with children, and loving on them, and introducing them to Jesus, and I'm very excited about that! Being a minister is one of the last things I would have ever picked for myself, but His ways are not my ways (thank you Jesus!). I am interested to see how God is going to work this out in my life. I don't feel like I'm going to be doing the 'normal' children's minister type thing. I don't feel called to work in a church, I might be wrong, but all I know as of right now, is that I'm to go to seminary. I'm trusting the Lord will show  me my next step when I get there. When I think about seminary a whole new set of crazy  thoughts come to mind mainly "oh my geeze I'm moving to Dallas". Since you're reading this, you know me, therefore you understand where I'm coming from on this one. I'm NOT a CITY type of person. In fact, I somehow managed to move to a "big city" and became more country than when I lived in my small town! Then I think about where I may be living and that opens a whole other can of worms! I want to live with an older widow, or older couple, or someone who knows the area and would trade rent money for working around the house and in the yard. I know the Lord is preparing a place for me there. I know He has been preparing me for this road for at least the past 2 years (almost) through connections I have through Wind River. And I know He will show me my next step when I'm ready for it, and well when He wants to really.

It's been a bit overwhelming living with my brain lately. I am such a planner, and God has taken my planner and drop-kicked it out of my reach. I don't have a clue as to what the next year of my life is going to hold. Heck, I'm pretty confounded with the "hmms" surrounding my summer and I know where I'm going to be already! I just know that as sure as God has directed me to Lamar when I didn't want to come, to Wind River when I thought I wasn't ready, to changing my major to match His ways, to the amazing people He has placed in my life, and to surrendering to His call, He will direct me to the home I'm to live in, the next new group of friends, and the next chapter in my life. I'm not sure I'm ready, but it is coming so I'd better get that way....